WARNING – THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS!
I will say that the title tells you very much what you’re about to watch.
This is not just the worst horror film ever made- and bear in mind, I’ve watched, Razor Blade Smile – it may actually be the worst film that has ever been made.
I really am going to struggle to express how mind-numbingly, soul-crushingly bad it is.
Let me try:
- If aliens saw this and it convinced them to attack planet Earth I would side with them;
- If I had the choice of throwing only one of Stephen Sommers, Michael Bay, or this film into a live volcano, I would choose this film;
- If I took this film to a beach on a Sunday afternoon, and threw a stick, I am pretty sure it would fetch it.
Where to begin?
Okay, so its premier was at the Playboy Mansion and it stars former Playmate Jacklyn Swedberg; does that give you a hint of one of the things that may be wrong with it?
It’s basically a soft-core porn film dressed up as a horror film.
And it’s a really really bad soft-core porn film, too.
The opening sequence is some busty young wench, topless, covered in dirt – so there is a thematic reference to the title there – wandering around pouting, being terrified, and caressing herself.
That goes on for about five minutes, and she doesn’t even get a credit in the titles.
And there is an ongoing theme throughout of people’s sexuality displacing their sense of fear.
When initial protagonist Noah goes for help, after two of his friends have been killed, he stops for drinks in the first bar he finds…..because a cute girl chats him up.
Well you would, wouldn’t you?
Before long we meet his cousin Troit, who is clearly supposed to be an ass-kicking all-American maverick hero.
He’s not; he’s a massive tosser.
His girlfriend is the afore-mentioned Swedberg – who nips off to the ladies at one point to try on and model a range of lingerie, as you do in life and death situations -but his bessie is Chandi.
Because she’s Asian American, he repeatedly calls her a ‘terrorist.’
Inexplicably, rather than kicking him in the balls and calling him a bigot, she finds this endearingly funny and explains that she is a Hindu.
He repeats that she is a terrorist and when they do cocktails, he suggests the bartender provide her with a ‘curry.’
She thinks that’s funny, too.
I’m not sure which of them needs counselling most.
Later on, when they have had their first encounter with the white-skinned marsh marauders (don’t ask), he gropes her arse. When she rebukes him, he points out that he’s saved her life, so now he’s allowed to molest her.
Rolling her eyes, she concedes that, ‘I hate it when you’re right.’
Did I mention that just before this sequence, his girlfriend has been crushed to death under a car?
The characterisations are not that good, really.
The final battle is between the team of Noah / Troit and Kane Hodder (of WWE fame) as the generic monstrous killer. I was totally rooting for Hodder and disappointingly he loses.
Noah gets killed in the process, though neither Troit nor Chandi seem especially bothered, keen as they are to return to sexual flirting and quips.
I assume director Steve Wolsh is a thirteen year-old, who’s been bullied by his sisters, and has really bad acne. Otherwise there are no excuses.
This is the first of a trilogy too, so I assume humanity is now doomed.
Rotten Tomatoes gave it a rating of 0% and frankly I think that’s ludicrously generous.
If you have the choice of watching this film or having your face eaten off by piranha, choose the latter.
You will thank me for it.